I need the Obyss.
I need to vent into the wide nothingness again. My mind is losin it. Im losing my father day by day and as i try and help him he continues to push in a direction that is counterproductive. His wife is oblivious to accountability/ responsibility (it may be a blend of the two). The kids are draining the little resources they can scrounge up with no concern of the consequences. I have a girlfriend who is in pain ALL THE TIME, and doctors cant seem to find a reason. Plus the sex is mundane. My job, although paying well, is taking quality of life off the end of my life that i can feel now. This damn truck i bought is gonna cost me way more than what the loan is for considering all the damn problems im having with it. Im trying to repair a delapitated apartment building with a tenants who cant seem to get their rent together and a large family that is unaware that they're struggling because their spending habits are poor. I dont feel right anymore. Im getting stoned to distract myself from the thoughts that make me upset or unhappy. But knowing that makes me unhappy. I can repeat 1,000 times over what "someone" would need to do to pull themselves out of this slump but im tired. Real tired. I wanna lay down. I dont wanna fight. I dont want to push. I dont want to perservere. Im putting forth effort and it seems like the tires just keep spinning while i go nowhere. I made it out once. I was clean. Working and Wu Shu'in. In great shape too. I picked up my spear for the first time in over a month. I did a set of nan quan a week ago. I dont practice. I have no motivation. Even my grooming and hygene is suffering. I day dream about packing up some things in the truck and just taking off. First thought is to Minn. of course. I do day dream about seein her. Not being sexually satisfied in a relationship i actually dont feel to bad about it. We still chat sometimes but she knows im in this relationship and im not gonna cheat. I wont have to, i honestly dont think we're gonna last. Theres too many little things that i dont wanna commit based of hopes of change. Im still waiting for change really. Like a fool i took her back after two nights in a row of great sex, thinking oh, she just needed a push. Since then its been back to how it was before. i cant see myself marrying a woman that we aint having great sex, call it shallow, i dont give a fuck! I work hard to be a great man and i think i deserve a woman who doesn't act like suckin my dick is a chore. But the part that i do feel bad about is that i cant deal with her constant pain. I took care of my dad through middle and highschool. I cant marry a woman who cant work a full shift because she'll be in too my pain to even get up. It even sounds horrible when i say it but i know inside i'll become bitter for it. I want someone who can do things with me and it breaks my heart cause i know she wants to, but she cant. This is where im at. I know i'll be unhappy if i stay but its gonna break my heart to break hers. i need to go to sleep...

(no subject)
I started having a panic attack at work last night. I was on the line and thinking. The kind of thinking you get to do only when you have a rediculousely monotonous job. I relized, im watching the two people that i care about most (and i've felt the most love from) slip away from me and im not able to stop it. Im kinda losing my mind here. Trying to grip reality while coping with everything is heavy. My father wont do anything to better his health or life. Now that im not at home to get him up and running, He sleeps far more than he should. He gets these sicknesses were he's weak and dry puking for days. Its Dopesick. He's taking so many pain pills for so long that his body reacts violently without them. I cant get him to do anything productive to his health. He isn't long for this world at this rate. He's bought a house that is a money pit and his wife is slightly resentful because if he isn't out of the house he's laying in bed. That not a life to live. And the one that wraps my brain more hours of the day than....well pretty much anything else, Betty Rose. I've never lost it like this before. 2 years later and there are still nights i cry myself to sleep. She doesn't even have time to talk to me anymore. At least thats what i hope it is. The other multitude of possibilities are much more difficult to deal with. The only time i felt this much pain in my life i was telling my father goodbye because he was ending his life. But that was only an "attempt", a result of perscription pills. This Betty pain, its not all better the next day. Or the next. Or the year after. Its hard to think that its been 6months since i've seen her face. I gave her all the pictures back, thinking out of sight would make it easier to get over her. I didn't realize that i'd hold on to the mental pictures so tightly. Things that i can close my eyes and replay, as if i was still there. Sometimes they make me cry so i try not to think about them. Distracting myself as best i can failing most nights when i lay down to sleep. I try keeping the tv or music on, and i get no sleep at all. Im losin it. I  can feel my mind slipping, the care or will to do anything. Hell for a while i was doing it cause i had to get my shit together so i could get her back, now, i dont know it that possible. That makes me want to shut down. Im running outta gas, and hopin the fumes will get me by when im on "E"

Still feeling uterly lost. I'm working now. Thats a good thing. But now im starting to rethink my decisions other wise. College for one. I know i need to go back and finish my AA but law enforcement? I would be required to follow orders regardless of my morals and values. In addition i've always had a fear of havin a job that could ruin my family. Or rather the family that i might have one day. Far too many enforcement officers have to give up there personal lives for their job. This would not be an issue for me if i was alone, but i hope one day im not. I want a wife, i want a child, a family. And to hurt those for a carrer is stupid. Best case scenario i get shot and killed and they wouldn't have to worry financially. Worst case, i end up getting a divorce and my childs resentment because my job is priority of my family. Yes there are other paths but too few lead to a happily family in that field. The future scares me.
On the other hand, im pretty sure im pissing of multiple women in my life over the one who isn't. My belongs to one woman only and the others having to swallow that makes them bitter and angry. I feel foolish for holding on to something that i let go so long ago. Not knowing if she will ever want to be with me again makes my position kind of pathetic. I miss her. The happiest i've been in my life was the 2 years i lived with her. I was so happy that i let my guard down to the world and i lost my grip on the reality of things.
Im caught between what is best for me, what my beliefs tell me to do, and what hope would have me do.
Best. Belief. Hope. Which one to choose.

Yelling into the dark
Well....my life sucks balls right now. Im stuck in a shit-hole town with friends doin everything they can to not be a law abiding citizen. Trying to turn your leaf over is near to impossible here. I thought that this would be a "strategic move backwards" and its turning out to be me stumbling and falling backwards. I was managing my fathers bills and this building but in light of the most recent blow up he has had, i handed it all back to him per his requests. I tell him that the bills are looking bad and he goes into one of his episodes again. Flippin shit anytime anyone says anything to him about bills and he jumps to sell shit so he can fix it all in the snap of a finger (which cannot be done). I told him he's only treating the symptom and not the cause. When the cause is brought up he gets even more pissed off because in the end its his fault and he doesn't like to be wrong or made to see that he put himself into this position from poor decision making skills.
I came here trying to help and i get yelled at in return. I do all their damn dishes and clean up after them. I am doing all the work nextdoor for free so dad can go and do work that pays. I give them advice on where they dont need to spend and what they could do to aleviate some of their problem and i get attitude. Nothing i do is helping. I only took the bills so dad could concentrate on his health but then he doesn't do anything but lay in bed all day or go out and work for a few hours. I try to help with finances, managing, the kids, even his relationship with Nan and it all gets trown right back in my face. Well enough is enough!
I've handed back all their paperwork. I handed back the keys. I will live in my tiny little room at the end of the maize that is my fathers house. I wont come out of this room unless i need to use the restroom, eat, or leave the building. I'll let them go back to how it was before i got here. Just be the bummy guy that lives there and doesn't talk to anyone.

On my side of the line, im going back to college. I'll go register tomorrow for my electives and then in fall start the Criminal Justice program. Im going to try and be a cop. Ill have to work a crappy job while im at it but without having my own space ill just save my money for when i go back to Des Moines. Ill get to visit my kung fu family from time to time, but not as often as i would like. Regardless, i cannot be a police officer here so i'll be headin back up to des moines for the job search. Hopefully i'll be able to be a police officer and go to my kung fu classes too. Then i'll just have to be content with my kung fu family being enough to keep me from feeling like im alone up there. Which wasn't really enough before but hey.....maybe that can change. In learnin how to socialize without passing a pipe around maybe i can develope the skillz to communicate with everyone and have more fun while doing it. I would like to say that Moving back to ottumwa was the biggest mistake i've made but i dont think it is. There is still some good to come from this, no matter how far away that good may be. Nope, screwin me and Betty up still ranks as #1. I dread and lookforward to a day when i can no longer say that.

I feel as if i've utterly failed. Numerous bad decisions compiled onto eachother. Few shots of good things here and there but ultimately gotten me no where. I've lost the woman i love. I've lost the job i worked for. I lost the city i lived in. I lost the class i've found. I lost friends to distance. I've lost. There are few things to hold my head up for now, and most of them are in des moines. Here, im just another failure trying to scrape by. I have no job. Without the job i came here for this entire move was a poor choice. Any other job here will barely be enough to support myself let alone pay off my debts and help my family. Every day i wait for a letter in the mailbox to come and everyday its filled with everything except the one thing i need. This job could've set me up for alot. Could've given me the ability to help my family in a way that no one else will. I could've gone back to school. But without the job i cannot my my prior loans to go back. I've almost given up. i think that i should just sign up for the military and let them make my decisions for me. Every decision i've made in the subsequent 7 years have been poor. Dropping out of college seemed to be the right move at the time. Now its just another failure to the list of poor choices. Deciding to follow betty to des moines was thought to be a great thing. But it ended in heartache and a ruined career. I was in a great position and then i made several poor decisions that got me fired from my management position which was supposed to be something very important on my resume. Because i chose to date a girl. Because i chose not to date another girl. Because i didn't call HR and tell them one of my employees was emphatuated with me. I dont know. A list of decisions that all got me here. None the less i cant change any of them now. I've moved back to the shithole of iowa where everywhere i look i get reminded that i've failed and fallen back to a position of worthlessness. A good friend refered to it as a "strategic step back". Then why is it i feel like im still falling. Strategicly steping back without anyother plan. Seems utterly foolish now. Everyday i slip deeper and deeper into this depression and although i can feel it it seems like im doing nothing to change the outcome. Betty wont get out of my head. Weather its my hopes and dreams of coming back together or the idea that my not contacting her is somehow hurting her i tell myself that i need to let her go. I've hurt her more than i should have and i dont want to anymore. I need to let her live her life, she'll make it a wonderful one. Im dead weight to those who have a future. And to those without im some great person who's accomplished so much. Its easy to see things bigger than they are when your standing below them. Im lost, circling a drain. I dont know what to do. I wait and wait for an envelope to tell me that i can finaly start making changes in my life. And if it never comes? I scurry to try and find something else that will patch a whole far to large to be patched. I try to make face so my family doesn't know that im falling apart and not this strong apendage that they've grown to see. I make face, in the midst of failure.

Barely slept
Long long night. Didn't help that my niece was up ever hour yelling for my father. But it took me a great deal of concentration to even get to sleep because i couldn't get Betty out of my head. Difference this time is the funny feeling in the middle of my chest. I cant say what kind of feeling so i'll just label it as funny. I dont know, every time i think about her i just review every mistake i made in the timeline we spent together. Alot of regrets to look back on. What worse is that she kept it going regardless of what i did and even after it was over i was too much of a fool to take back the opportunity she was giving me.
Well this is what i asked for. I wanted space, time to myself, time to socialize as muyself without her attached. And in the end that's exactly what i got. Lifes a bitch. Sad thing is i live such a cautious life and have good foresight (didn't fuckin help on this one!!!) that its not an emotional exageration to say that this is going to be one of the worst mistakes i'll ever make in my life. I had a woman who was not only a great person who cared for her family, cared about her future, her career, her poise, but she loved me unconditionaly, with every flaw in the foreground. I realy hope im wrong when i say that i wont find another that will love me the way she did. It was too good to be true, and i turned away from it all. Something im going to have to try and swallow for many years to come.

Writer's Block: The last bite
What would be your last meal?
My ex-girlfriend (2nd ago), hands down.....well i'd use my hands:)

First nightmare...
Since i quit smokin bud i've started being able to remember my dreams. Most seem to be rendom, about somethings i was thinking about when i feel asleep or in tune with whatever i was watching before i went to bed. This nightmare didn't fall into these categories. Now that i've been up for a few hours i can honestly say this is the only thing that could've been in a dream that i would have considered a nightmare. Hell, the one right before it was the whole zombie apocalypse ordeal and i was fighting with the govt. to let me into this locked down room. They didn't alllow it so i took some of their weapons after incapasitating some of their men. And i went on the road with me and two strangers.
Next i thought was going to be harmless. It seemed that me and Betty and one of her friendsn were walking thru an apartment complex. While we were walking some guys were playing kickball (yeah, talk about preschool) and Betty wanted to play so i introduced myself to them and we started playing. Well after a few people kicked everyone else disappeared. It must have been the old complex i lived in because after walking around trying to find her, she was gone. I walked home, thinking it was late and she had to get her friend home, only to find Betty's cell phone still lying on my coffee table. Normally i wouldn't try to go thru her things but she was hours away without her phone and i had no other way to get ahold of her. I thought i'd just call her friends phone and tell her that she forgot hers here. It was locked.....after playing around with it i got it "6on". yeah, odd that its a 3 piece password but thats what got me in. I was just about to press the contacts icon when i saw what was a charactors boobs in a bikini. Betty was never a porno type of girl so it triggered my curiosity. What happened next made me really happy that i have control overmyself in these dreams otherwise who knows how long i would've had to endure this. In fact i've done everything to keep myself from thinking about it and the fact im about to try and recall it for this really hurts.
I opened the icon to find pictures of her with some other guy. Not just smiling next to eachother but dick going in. In all 3 possibilities. As soon as i saw it i started screaming outloud "wake up wake up wake up" and when i woke up i was saying "its only a nightmare, its only a nightmare." I was going to attempt to go back to sleep but that definately wasn't happening. I turned on Boondocks and watched huey fight uncle ruckus, which didn't really help. It took every bit of focus to try to go to sleep, while focusing my mind solely on the tv. I normally sleep without it on, but there was no chance of that.
I pray that is a one time ordeal. I dont think i can handle much of that. I've been so good at letting her go and not torturing myself about it but this is torture, and dreams are conjured by ones own mind so in a sense i am torturing myself. Figured it i typed it in my journal i could get it off my mind. I really wish im lucky enough.

Yet another night of seemingly one extensive dream about yet another ex. The most unfortunate thing about this particular one is that even at this moment she lives about 120yards away from where i sit right now. This was the girl that i "cheated" on almost 7 years ago now. I use the quotations because all i did was kiss this other girl. It is cheating, just not in the general sense. Its hard to regret those actions now because the girl i cheated on her with i spent 5 of the best years of my life with. Its the first person that i can legitamately say i was in love with. Still, she's not the one in my dreams. Its every other girl in my past that i dream about. This girl was great to be with. She was a little young (though so was i) and wasn't as mature as me (though very mature for her age). That just something that my mind used to allow it to rot in my head and thus negate anything good int he relationship. I really liked her, but her family was a bunch of drugee idiots. Her sister actually tried to pay two people to "jump me". In the end she chose two sissy retards so it never happened. Either way, there were alot of great times me and her had. 

Funny thing is that the thing that L and B had in common was that niether could stand up to their family. L had a family that was crippling her with their own selfish decisions and B alllowed her family to think as little of me as possible. Hell we lived together for 2 years and they thought she paid my way the whole time, WTF! They all thought i cheated on her, which i NEVER did. Ok, thats a debatable topic. Now by definition yes i did. Cheating is to do or say anything to another that you wouldn't say if she was standing right there. Did i sleep with anyone, no. Did i kiss anyone, no. Did i get any favors and grope anyone, no. But i didnt abolish the gestures and comments coming from other women which in turn made its way to B. She bottles it up inside until, like an uncelebratory-champagne bottle, the cork pops and out comes crazy.

In the end of all my relationships it is I who had the problems. L had so much potential. B made me insanely happy. But in the end it withered and died because of my head and my actions.  This is the reason I had to let B go. I couldn't hold on to it any longer. My head is fucked up in that sector and until i start figuring these things out i'll be destined to ruin yet another and another and another relationship. I dont want that.

Im not enjoying the dreams since i quit my bad habit. Alot of them are about ex-girlfriends. Some that i haven't thought about in years. It probably has to do with being back in this town. I never had real bad breakups and i dont feel any real guilt because of them. I feel kinda bad because their positions in life since my departure but then again only one girl i've been with ever went up after me. The rest made a seriese of bad choices that led to their own situation. I wont make judgement on weather they are happy or not because i dont talk to any of them, but where they are in comparison to where they said they were going to be is greatly different. One has 4 kids (all with old friend(s) of mine) and is actually marrying one of my old friends. Another is still stuck in this town when we all "knew" she was destined to get out of here. Another is drinking herself into oblivion and, due to the lack of confidence in herself, making no attempt to better her position in life.
In the end i dont blame myself for any of this. The only one i feel bad about is the most important one to me. Breaking up nearly two years ago i should have let her go then and allowed her to live her life without me. Out of fear and what i feel was love, i didnt want to let her go and thus continued to hurt her well after the pain should have been subsided. Thats what i feel bad about. I've taken action to not continue doing so, despite what i want to do or how i feel. As a good friend told me "Once you've made a decision you have to live with it even if its something you later regret"


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